19th June, 2015

I have introduced myself to the Crossdream Life forum! It is a big step, but might help me to understand myself a bit better. It is also the first contact I make as Anna. I feel really really nervous!

17th June, 2015

What a dream I had, dressed in organdy... Well, almost. I dreamed that I woke up and was a girl. Not transgendered, not dressed, not in transition, not post-transition. Just a girl. Full stop. It felt so peaceful, so right! I was so happy. And then I woke up.

15th June, 2015

Three weeks in chastity, and doing fine. I'm not missing anything. I find myself much more at peace. I have also finally started reading up on the literature about what causes transgenderism. Well, literature on the WWW, anyway. I find the articles on Jack Molay's websites about crossdreaming particularly helpful. Apparently, one possible explanation might be that while my chromosomes are fully male, I was perhaps not subjected to the full dose of androgen hormones when I was a foetus and my brain never became fully masculinized. If this is the answer, that would imply that femininity is part of the hard-wiring of my brain. Small wonder it cannot be cured!

12th June, 2015

No doubts about what I feel. But there is this nagging uncertainty in the back of my mind. Am I really worthy to call myself transgendered? Some, like Kaylee Johnson, gave up their life for what they are. Others, like Caroline Cossey and Caitlyn Jenner, are living for what they are. Yet others at least live out what they are in public every now and then. Me? For me, it's all inside me. I do not live out anything. I do not take any real risks. I do not show myself to the world as others do. Am I a coward? Do I have the right at all to think of myself as transgendered, if I am indirectly comparing myself to martyrs like Kaylee Johnson or heroines like Caitlyn Jenner? I am like a believing Christian who does not dare to go to Mass. When I read of others coming out, transitioning, standing proudly for the world to see them as women, facing the taunts and the admiration, even suffering and dying for their identity, I see a procession of pilgrims, singing happily on their way to Jerusalem, and my first instinct is to cry out: "Wait for me! Don't leave me! I want to be one of you!". But that road is not for me. At least, not yet. I comfort myself by the thought that, at least on the inside, I AM one of them, although I may not be ready to live it. Maybe one day I will be worthy. Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.

10th June, 2015

I had a dream. I was standing with a group of friends and colleagues. Somehow the conversation turned to transgenderism, and it was clear that some people in the group were in the process of transition. One of the looked at me and said, "And you are also transgendered, right?". I quickly, instinctively, almost in panic, answered "No! I'm just..." And then, while I was thinking about how to continue, I saw in their faces how disappointed they were at my cowardice. I felt like a traitor. I had betrayed each and every one of them. And I looked them in the eye and said, "So you've read me, right?". They all nodded. "All right, I will be honest", I said, "I am not in the situation that I could actually transition, but yes, I am also transgendered, I feel, deep inside me, more like a woman than a man. If it were possible for me without hurting anyone, I would transition. Count me in as one of you!" It was such a release to say it, it didn't matter that I would never transition, the only thing that mattered was that they knew me for what I am and respected me for being honest about it. But it was a dream. Reality is unfortunately not like that. Or not yet. There is a long way to go!

9th June, 2015

Yesterday I was surfing around for videos about voice feminization, and I chanced upon a Tgirl who really could explain exactly what it is that makes a voice present as female. She not only had a beautiful voice, she could also describe the different parts of the process and give very clear and easy-to-follow instructions. I viewed the video, then viewed some of her other postings. She talked about autogynephilia, and placed it in a context which I could both recognize and understand. She talked about the childhood realization that she was trans, the longing and the shame. Everything she said was so perceptive, so wise. I thought to myself, what a wonderful person! What a role model! Then I started noticing comments below the video "We really miss you" and "it is all so sad" and I wondered, what are they all going on about? So I surfed a bit more, and found out. The Youtuber Hopefulkylee (Kaylee Johnson) jumped off a motorway overpass on 19th November 2013. Her Youtube channel was designed to send a message of hope and support to all Tgirls out there, but in the end, she ended up taking her own life. I was too stunned even to cry. I knew that the suicide rate among transgender persons i much higher than in society as a whole, but that is just statistics. This was so painfully real! If any of you know a trans, please, please, please, support them with the love and understanding that they are willing to give others!

5th June, 2015

Today I was more or less caught. At least a couple of colleagues clearly saw that I had saved a file on my desktop entitled "Voice training for Trans women". If they think I am just interested, or a sympathizer, or a candidate for voice feminization, I do not know. Let them wonder. But it all goes to show: it is only matter of time before the secret comes out anyway. I only hope I can face my fate with dignity when it comes!

4th June, 2015

26 years ago, the PRC army massacred an unknown number of students on Tien-An-Men square in Peking. It seems so ironic that the sun is shining today, for us, but no longer for them. Otherwise: 10 days in chastity: no regrets, no guilt, no masculine thoughts or desires, only feminine harmony. Yes, I know, 10 days is nothing, but even a long journey starts with a short step.

1st June, 2015

I have previously said that it is too late for me. But this evening the first photo shoot with Caitlyn Jenner appeared, and she is 65! She is still so amazingly beautiful! I have become inspired: it is NOT too late for me!! (Heaven only knows how much that surgery cost, though!)

29th May, 2015

Today, my flat crotch was read by a young lady that came towards me on the street. She looked at me, started with surprise, and looked at me again. Of course, it was really none of her business to examine me that closely. I wonder what she thought. Did she really read me psychologically? Or did she just think I had had an unfortunate accident?

25th May, 2015

When I am dressed, even when I am underdressed, life is happiness. I feel kinder, gentler, more harmonious, more tolerant, and a better person in general (what could ilfe have been if I had transitioned?). Even if I am dressed entirely in male clothes, letting my mind live in Anna mode makes the life worth living. Orgasm, on the other hand, is a quick fix that leaves me with a psychological hangover. I feel remorse and emptiness, and a desrire to purge Anna out of my life. So I have decided that since chastity is actually much better for my mental well-being than orgasm, and I will, as far as possible, try to live in chastity.